Will he have friends?

A few days ago, I read a posting titled: "Owen, doesn't have a single friend". It was written by a mum about her disabled son, Owen & the lack of real friendship due to his severe disabilities.

My day to day thoughts are usually focused on activities for my son, to help his gross, fine, oral motor development, speech and cognitive developments. His little bits of progress (& of course, God's grace & mercy) give me the encouragement to continue my efforts and provides the hope that he will live a 'normal' life in future.

I consciously choose to be positive. I consciously choose to be busy, doing things with my son as I've to minimise the developmental gap between him and his peers. A day 'lost' is a day the gap grows wider. I want him to be able to lead as 'normal' a life as possible.

I bring him out often (minimised lately due to H1N1) to the parks, to shops, to therapies where he does experience some form of human interaction outside of the immediate family. But those forms of human interaction are different. We do not have much contact with other kids of the same age. He has yet to begin kindergarten. I am therefore 'protected' from the stark reminder of how different he is and of the various challenges before him.

So when I read her posting, it was a painful reminder. The next day, I tried to ignore the emotions it stirred up. Today, another mother posted a similar topic: "Friendless forever". It was heartbreaking.

This time, I knew I could not ignore my emotions. I had to work through it. It brought to the forefront, one of the many differences between a special needs child and an able-bodied one. There are of course differences which I'be gotten used to e.g. the need for therapies, the need for various medical specialists. But this, this was a reminder that one of the simplest, enjoyable aspect of being human, to have friends might not be possible for my son.

We were not made to be alone. Adam had Eve. No man is an island. Isn't one of the images of childhood, that of happy kids playing with one another?

Although my son's disability does not seem as severe as the boys' in the 2 postings, the ability or inability of a disabled kid (including my son) to have friends is a real concern.

My son, unlike the other 2 boys, is verbal. However, his articulation is poor. My helper, my husband and I understand what he says most, but not all, of the time. He speaks in phrases & not sentences as yet, but he speaks to non-immediate family often in a whisper.

Is it possible to build a friendship when one has speech development disabilities on top of gross and fine motor disabilities?

At the moment, I try to do my part in helping him build his social skills. I try to provide the opportunites for him to start experiencing friendship & to model how to make friends. For example, I've come to know & made friends with a family who has a boy his age. When we do meet at the park (it's not often) I try to engage the boy so that they both play together. It's not easy.

At other times when he's in the company of older kids (e.g. at music class) who have more developed social skills compared to kids his age, I do not make such an attempt as I want to observe how other kids perceive him & interact with him without my interference. It's of course, also because making friends is not the main aim in music class.

What are my observations of other kid's interaction with my son?
- Very often, they leave him alone if there are other kids around.
- I do note that older girls seem to be more caring/helpful towards my son.
- Very often, they do not speak directly to my son.
- If their parent is around, the other child would ask something or say something to my son, only upon their parent's prompting.
- If they do want to interact with my son out of their own initiative, it's often indirectly - they'll speak to me as though I'm my son's voice (which I often am, but try to minimise).

Am I being overly anxious? He is afterall only approaching 4 years old. Afterall, young kids still rely a lot on body language to play together. Afterall, kids who have a buddy, have had other & more regular opportunities to form that friendship, outside of the one hour a week music class, or outside of the weekly playgroup sessions. Afterall, friendship is a social skill that needs to be developed. As with any skill, he needs to be given opportunities for practising it. And afterall boys are not as sociable as girls.

So, will he have friends? I cant tell. I will continue to help him develop the skills needed for it: clear verbal communication, compassion, turn taking, patience, a sharing nature, good manners etc.

I pray for God's grace & mercy in his life. We're already blessed knowing the few families who are kind & loving enough to see beyond my son's disabilities. Thank you to his music teacher, to the 2 mums who are kindergarten principals, to Elly, to Rumi (& of course his therapists!).

The little bits of progress I've seen in his other areas of development (e.g. cognition) give me hope that he will also be able to develop in the area of social skills to the extent of being able to develop friendships in the future.

The postings by the 2 mothers that I had read can be found using these links:
http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.com/2009/09/owen-doesnt-have-single-friend.html

http://bloom-parentingkidswithdisabilities.blogspot.com/2009/09/are-some-children-by-nature-of-their.html