Over the past few weeks, my son has resorted to intentionally pushing out the retractable mosquito netting at the living room sliding door. It's happened so many times. Each time it has happened, I noted that it's due to 2 reasons:
- him wanting attention while I or others in the house were busy
- it happened when he got angry (release of anger)
I responded in the following manner:
- I'd ask why he did it. He usually cant answer if the reason was to seek attention. If it was due to release of anger, he'd say so.
- I'd explain what are the alternative actions available in those scenarios. E.g. if angry, he can punch Taz, his punching bag (inflated with air). Address the reason behind his action by showing him the correct way to respond. Dont just teach what he should not do.
- I'd explain why he should not do it (that it'd ruin the net & that papa would get angry)
- I'd get him to help fix it (teaching him there are consequences to his actions)
- I'd give him a time out (but I stopped time outs cos it wasn't working)
He's still pushing out the netting. I've not succeeded yet. Perhaps it requires consistency to get the message across. And it makes it harder when other adults in the house use a different approach, does not understand why he does that & believes in spanking.
I've stated before that I dont believe in spanking. Perhaps it would work on other kids. Perhaps I'm dead wrong in my believe. It's a highly controversial topic with strong arguments on both sides.
I believe that by spanking or hitting a child, you're teaching him that it's ok to hit/spank someone else. So, he's more likely to hit other kids. When that happens, the parent would of course get angry & perhaps hit the kid as punishment. The kid gets a mixed message - its ok for some people to hit but not for others. Mama can hit me, but I cant hit others? It's confusing for a young child. Walk the talk, I say.
Furthermore, the child would get a shock the first time you hit him. Then he'll of course remember the pain right then. Maybe he'll stop that action for a while until he forgets or loses control of his emotions (he's still immature). Then he's likely to repeat it again (kids being kids) at another time (unless it shocked him so much that he's traumatised or constitutes abuse).
There's also the chance that as an immediate reaction to the first time you hit him, he'll purposely repeat what he's not supposed to do, just to test the boundary with the parent, right there and then. So, the parent hits again to "teach him a lesson", this time harder & with patience wearing thin. A power struggle ensues. When the parent is angry, it becomes a dangerous time to discipline by hitting. Very often, the parent releases his anger through the act of hitting. It's hard to control how hard you hit, if you're angry.
So say that he does stop "being naughty" doing what he's not supposed to do. Kids being kids, they'll end up doing something else deemed "naughty". The parent then hits again, to "teach" him. Over time, the hitting would slowly lose it's "effectiveness". The parent may resort to hitting harder, or progress from hitting with the hand to using the rotan. It impact of the pain would have to escalate to get the same "effectiveness" as the first time he was hit.
There is also the emotional aspect to be careful of. Hitting instills fear. Depending on the character of the child, he might bottle up resentment. He may no longer trust the parent. He would learn that if something unacceptable happens, he should try to avoid being hit as it's painful. For e.g. if he broke something whether accidentally or on purpose, he might hide the broken pieces. Or, he might lie to get out of being spanked. Or it might teach him to "cover his tracks" (be really sneaky) so as not to get caught. It doesnt teach him to take responsibility for his actions.
As a child, I feared being spanked with the rotan. In fact, just having to face an angry mum or dad was bad enough for me. I feared failing class tests - some teachers would make you line up in front of the class & hit my palm with a ruler. The mere anticipation would make me quiver. Tests badly stressed me. Even if I knew the topic of the test, the fear could make my mind go blank or make me doubt myself.
Not spanking does not mean there's no discipline. There are other ways of disciplining & handling such situations. It requires erasing what we learnt from our parents that spanking is THE way to discipline our child. There are books out there on this.
I do not know if my approach will work on my son. I'm not a parenting expert. The reasons I stated above simply seem logical to me & are probably bits that I've read from parenting articles & the babycentre website. They are merely my view points. If only there was a manual that came with the kid we're given!
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