Give me sleep!

There's a major factor contributing to my tiredness - poor sleep.

I had another night of bad sleep. He has terrible sleeping habits. He doesnt sleep through the night. He requires help to get back to sleep. That means, carrying him and walking around the room, with music on. He wakes up less now compared to when he was a baby. Still, that's 17kg of weight bearing exercise at unearthly hours. How much longer can I carry him as he grows bigger and I grow older?

He loves to cuddle up to me. I guess he feels safe and secure near me. But what happens is that he usually ends up in my bed, pushing me right to the edge. I've woken up so many times, in the middle of the night, precariously perched, sleeping on the side of my body, right on the edge of the bed. It means, a stiff body the next day. If I realise it in the middle of the night, I'd get up and move to his bed instead. But usually the damage has been done...I'd lost precious hours of proper sleep.

I could of course push him to his side of the bed or better yet, place him back in his bed. But that risks him waking up and going through the whole putting him-back-to-sleep-routine. There have been times where I can't get him back to sleep in his own bed, ending up carrying him for 20mins in the middle of the night.

A few consecutive nights of bad sleep turns me into a walking zombie. Brain fog. Super sensitive. Desperate for sleep. In the past, when it's really bad, I'd get my helper to care for him for a few hours in the morning while I try to get back the lost sleep. But the quality of day time sleep seldom matches that of a proper night's sleep.

Things were far worse when he was a baby. He'd only sleep maybe max 3-4 hours at a good stretch. Otherwise, he'd be like waking every 2 hours. Back then, there was the poor feeding habits to deal with on top of that. Back then I didnt know he had CP. Back then I didnt know he had problems sucking. So I'd be offering the bottle but he'd take only a few sucks, then cry badly. Poor kid was probably so hungry, with colic to boot. I'd be wraught with worry cos he's not taking his milk, worry he'd be dehydrated, worry he's not getting enough sleep etc. Sleep depravation amplifies the worries. You cant think straight.

Even when he was 3 years old, he'd wake up on average 3-5 times on a good night. On a bad night, it'd be 5-10 times of waking. I had learnt over the years that the fastest way to get him settled down again when it's a bad night is to let him sleep right on top of me. I was and still am, "mummy the human mattress" for him.

Got to end here. He's awake and my day with him begins. There's school today, so no time to waste.