Just as a rubber band has its limits in being stretched, I now realise that I was stretching myself beyond my limit recently. That resulted in me falling ill.
I think it was a combination of factors, starting from a few weeks ago. It was initially the mental tiredness caused by the issues relating to my helper and to my son's schooling. I shall not delve into detail over those issues as it'll no doubt tire me out by writing about it!
Then came the physical tiredness. When I'm worried over matters that which are unresolved, I end up more frustrated, have poor quality of sleep, and I'd keep myself busy to distract myself from actively thinking about it.
I was also pushing myself to get things done (before my helper leaves) by stealing a few minutes here and there. I generally do not like to have work done half way as it keeps bugging me at the back of my mind (like I dont already have enough on my mind), and it leaves the place messy too. I get even more frustrated when things get lost in the mess and I also get blamed for it.
Added to that, my son kept on falling ill and had restless sleep, was very sticky, and cranky.
It was hard to slow down. Perhaps I kept on going, to block out the various things bugging me because I had no solution to make everything better? Perhaps it's a form of self punishment, to prove to others that I'm not capable of juggling it all? Or perhaps it was to speed up the inevitable (falling sick) so that I can justify my need to get some rest? Or perhaps it was the fear of how much harder things would be when my helper leaves, driving me to get things in order now before she leaves? Or a combination of the above!
Looking back, I know that I've not had "me-time" for a long while now. I used to have facials or massages once a month. That all stopped around middle of last year as I wanted to minimise the risk of catching H1N1.
The rubber band had snapped. The last two days, I finally slowed down. I slept the entire mornings. I did very few activities with my son. I watched TV with my son! I think I watched a total of 3-4 hours over the two days. Putting that in perspective, that 3-4 hours is probably more or equal to the total TV time the whole of last year. Yesterday, I was relaxed enough to put up Chinese New Year decorations together.
I keep pushing myself because it's a race against time. It's already the end of the first month in the new year. He's got to get ready for big boy school in two years time, and preferably without needing a shadow aide.
I push myself because I see that my son wants to learn. He likes it when we do activities together. He likes it when I explain things that are happening on TV. He likes me to read books to him (latest favourite book is about trains, which I bought for RM3 from the warehouse sale last Sun).
I push myself because I know that it's between the years 0-7 that a child learns the most. I've read an article about the Sensitive Period (as expounded by Montessori) and I'll probably do a post on it later.
I push myself because sometime this year, I want to do a new therapy (HBOT) that'll take up a lot of time and I'm unlikely to have time for other activities. So, I want to get in more of those other activities before I start HBOT.
When I want to do so many things, I need the right support.
I'm not getting the right support from his school. His school is just for socialising, to build his confidence in speaking and to identify the 'school skills' needed. I'm still his main teacher and I'm not qualified.
At home, I had great support from my helper but that's a lot lesser, and more unpredictable nowadays.
Financially, I've been very blessed to have the support of my husband. Therapies, diapers, his high-end milk, materials for activities all add up. I do not take that forgranted and save where I can - make my own things, get his 'toys' from kedai runcits/hypermarkets/Cash Converters/knick knack shops etc, borrow (thanks so much my dear friends!), and buy books from warehouse sales.
Knowledge wise, I have supportive therapists (thanks to Fe and his speech therapist), teachers (not his school ones, but his music teacher and Yvonne), and the internet (glad to be in this age of the internet!).
But perhaps I did not lock on to my biggest source - God, without whom, nothing would be possible. And with whom, nothing is impossible.
It's hard to continuously swim against the current, so I might just go with the flow. I think I'll take it easy for the rest of the week! I need to fully charge up my batteries in order to properly plan for the departure of my helper...or I might throw caution to the wind and let the bombs go by (unlikely).
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