Kiddie Stress - The Star newspaper

The article on stress faced by children appeared in The Star a few days ago. I'm reproducing it below as I think it's useful.

I think kids nowadays encounter a lot more stress compared to our time when we were kids. So I'm not keen on pushing my son too much, academically.

In terms of academics, I just want him to learn the basic 3 Rs - reading, writing, arthmetic. I'm putting in the effort now, in the hope that the foundation is set right for the long term.

Other than that, I want him to be independent - self care skills, social skills, resilience. Frankly, that's already a huge target for me.

I've been worried about my son since he started school. I'm worried about how he's coping. Thankfully I'm there as his shadow aide, so I get to observe him. I suspect that he's experiencing adjustment difficulties (stress?) which I think is showing through his screaming, his running around the class, being extremely clingy to me even at home (insecurity?). At home, he displayed defiance, wanting his own way, crying, whining etc.

Could it be that particular school that's causing him to react that way? Would his behaviour be better at a different school? A parent said that some kids just react a certain way to certain schools, but are very different in a different school.

I've been trying to be firm with him when he shows defiance, so I've raised my voice or, I've shown a stern face, but no spanking. It's slowly working, I think. A few days ago, when I showed my stern face and told him I'm angry with his behaviour, he stopped. He looked at me, to see how serious I was. Then said sorry, hugged me and kissed me. I didnt soften up immediately but did tell him not to do it again. The past 2 or so days, he's far more settled, behaviour wise. We've not been to school the whole week, so I'm not sure if that's a factor too.

To be fair, there have been changes to his routine since about November. That was the time I was getting very busy completing errands before he started his December holiday programme (being his shadow aide meant I would have a lot less time for errands). So I'm sure that contributed to changes in his behaviour too.

Anyway, it's a very interesting article below. I have tried to do those things in the past, for example, breaking down an activity to suit his abilities/level, or to make learning fun, or to be positive wtih him.

I agree with many of the things he says, but we live in an imperfect world. Therein lies the challenge for parents.

One point I was surprised to note was that he said kids up to age 12 or so still need a lot of playtime. I didnt realise that and will keep that in mind.

=============

The Star

Wednesday, 13/01/2010

Kiddie stress

ALLAN KOAY

Children face a lot of stress daily and need encouragement from their parents.

Daniel, eight, tries his best to work out the math problem in his textbook but, with his father brething down his neck, he can hardly concentrate. His father, with a scowl on his face, says angrily: "How to solve this problem? You've already learned it in school, right? How?"

Daniel feels tremendous pressure not to let his father down, and fears that his father may get angrier if he does not solve the problem. After a while, his father does get angrier, and bellows: "You're lazy! You never do your homework! You're doing this just to make me angry, aren't you?

Imagine, for a moment, a different scenario. Let's say Daniel father wasn't angry but shows a lot of patience with him. When Daniel isn't able to solve the math problem, his father shows him how, and then lets him solve the next one all by himself. When Daniel is able to, his father rewards him with a "well done, son!"

Naturally, Daniel wouldn't feel pressured or stressed, or even fearful. He would be motivated by his father's praise to do even better.

Adults sometimes do not realise that children also face tremendous stress in their everyday lives. Think about it. They wake up early to go to school, sometimes having to face tough teachers or bullying schoolmates, then they come home for tuition classes, music or ballet lessons, which take up the rest of their day. At night, they have homework to do, after which they go to bed, and wake up early the next day for school again.

"Adults have eight-to-six jobs, after which they go out to have drinks and relax," says clinical psychologist Dr. Alvin Ng of Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia's Healthy Psychology Unit. "Kids don't have that. Play is a very essential activity for children, especially for the younger ones, because they haven't developed the cognitive capacityto converse and entertain each other by having conversations. From the time they are born till they're 12 or 13, they need a lot of play-time.

But Dr. Ng emphasises that everyone experiences stress, and it is only when stress reaches a level where children can no longer cope, that it becomes a problem. The sign to look out for to determine whether your child is stressed, are changes in their sleep and eating patterns.

"If you see any drastic changes in these two, chances are they're going through some adjusment problems," says Dr. Ng. "Do they sleep more or less than usual? Are they waking up more often? Are they having disturbed sleep? It's not whether they sleep too much or to little, but whether it is a changed in their normal pattern."

In term of behaviour, some children may show more emotions, throw tantrums, cry, or become more rebellious, negating everything that their parents tell them. They may also lose interest in certain thing or become more fearful, anxious or paranoid that somthing bad is going to happen.

This can lead to behavioural problems, especially in school. When their self-esteem is at its lowest, children often compensate by doing the wrong things. Then they are also the children with learning disabilities that are not serius enough to warrant special education classes, but they have difficulty coping with normal classes.

"They tend to fall behind and, for children like these, the teachers would usually notice it in Year One and Two, but there's not much they can do," says Dr. Ng. "If nothing is done, then by Year Three, there would be behavioural problems. They would cope by using all sorts of methods other than academic ones.

"They would try their best to avoid doing what you ask of them. And if they start to be a clown, then the teacher would label them as naughty instead of not being able to do the work. It would then be ingrained in them that "I'm not able to do this and I'm good as a clown. So I might as well be a clown."

Dr. Ng sees the school system as one that punishes the bad but rarely rewards the good, and that contributes to the overall problem.

"Lazy and naughty. Don't want to do work. The way we are brought up to think is that if someone doesn't do something, it means they are lazy or have no desire to do it," says Dr. Ng.

"We never really consider whether the person is able to do it. Most of the time, when a child doesn't want to do something, it is because firstly, it is too boring. And secondly, it is too difficult."

With children, you have to break it down to size. Dr. Ng uses what he calls the PlayStation Rule.

"If I ask you to start at Level 10, would you be able to play the game? It would be too hard. So you start with Level 1, which entices you to play more because it's so easy. So you go on to Level 2," he explains.

Dr. Ng relates how he once tried to interest a boy in cleaning up a room after playing. The child's mother said it usually takes him half an hour to clear all his toys.

Dr. Ng then used a stopwatch to play a game in which the boy would try to clear away all his toys as fast as he could. Because the child saw it as a fun game, he did it in 23 seconds flat, and there was not a toy left on the floor. The mother, of course, was surprised.

"I believe if all schools were like this, children won't play truant," says Dr. Ng. "Children play truant because school is no fun."

Dr. Ng then illustrates how we usually become nervous when we see a traffic policeman, because we associate the police with negative things like sum­monses. But if the policeman stops you and rewards you for keeping to the speed limit, and if this keeps happening, you would be happy to see a cop.

"And you would even try to get the policeman's attention!" he says. "If you're a reward-giver, you would be seen as something positive. So if schools and parents were more positive, learning becomes easier because it's less stressful.

"The main purpose of punishment is to reduce bad behaviour, which I agree with because it works very well," says Dr. Ng. "But punishment comes with side-effects - anger, resentment, fear. If you want to punish, make sure you know how to manage these three side-effects. My rule is, if you were to punish once, make sure you reward three times more. The punishment must seem less than the reward."

In the case of Daniel, illustrated above, the boy would be happy to see something good come out of what he has done.

"The idea of stress management is not just about teaching a child how to relax. As they are doing something and you encourage them with positivity, the stress level automatically goes down," says Dr. Ng.