Feeling down

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been feeling a bit down. That’s one of the reasons I’ve not been updating my blog.

I think I’m feeling down partly because on and off, I’ve been slightly ill (feverish, sore throat, aches). When I’m not in the best of heatlh, it’s too easy for me to get frustrated with the tiniest of things. I’ve been shouting and getting angry, with my helper (if it weren’t for the hefty fees already paid, I’d rather do without her even though it’d make life physically harder for me).

I'm getting impatient with my son’s seemingly slow/lack of progress these two weeks. There are so many things I want him to be able to do independently, but it’s taking so long to achieve. One of the things that I’m most impatient about is the lack of strength in his hands/fingers. At times, I think it’s also that his brain has not learnt to engage the right muscles.

I’m beginning to think that it’s unlikely that he can start Yr1 next year without a shadow aide. Perhaps my husband picked up on that vibe cos he said there’s no point in trying to build up his stamina (to last the 6 hours of schooling in a day) cos there’s no progress in his self care. Even though it’s an important goal, if it’s not achieved, it that’s not disastrous cos I can continue to be his shadow aide in a primary school that allows shadow aides.

I know that there are other families who have it much harder, but at times like this, this journey seems just so hard. I’m not wallowing in self pity. I’ve not asked “why me”. I’m just frustrated that he’s not achieved as much as I expected.

At times like this, I think I’m grossly inadequate in helping him even though I think I can’t possibly do more activities in a day with him. I feel that I don’t have the right skills or knowledge or adequate patience or energy to bring him forward. Yes, he’s progressed well over the years, but as they say of a fund’s performance...past history is not a prediction of future performance!

I do not wish to lower my expectation to starting school in Yr 2012 instead. But I do see how much faster other kids in his class are learning things, and how they’re more matured compared to him. Delaying him a year would buy us more time to help him, but I think I’ll face a lot of resistance to that. A mother said of her GDD son (she delayed him starting school for 3 yrs) that there’ll always be a gap between her son and the others. So I too am trying not to delay his starting school even though it’ll be harder on all of us.

Hopefully, this is just a short phase that I’m going through that’ll end when I shake off the virus.

I’ll end with his song that comforted me yesterday

Thank you, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let you lead,

And I thank you, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
with each trial I feel inside,
that you're there to help,
lead and guide me away from wrong.

'Cause you promised, Lord,
that with every testing,
that your way of escaping is easier to bear.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything
life is so worth while.

And I thank you, Lord,
that when everything's put in place,
out in front I can see your face,
and it's there you belong.