I've not been sleeping well

It's 3am. I've been unable to sleep for at least the last hour. This is becoming an unwelcomed regular occurence. I decided to try my luck with the internet connection (I'm in luck!), so here I am, blogging.

I am tired, mentally and physically, but felt the need to blog. It's been my emotional outlet for destressing, and my way to try to work out what's going on in me. There must be issues bugging me that cause me to wake from sleep at ungodly hours lately.

As the school holidays come to an end, I worry about the new academic year. Will his new teacher be supportive? Will his new classmates be nice to him? Will his teacher be effective in teaching so that my "home teaching" workload is lighter? Have I done enough for him this school holidays?

Lately I have been stressed on the homefront in managing my helper and my learning disabled adult sister. I confess that on many occasions since this helper came to us, I had been so angry with them individually, and together. I do not blame my sister for her actions - she is the way she is because of her limitations and the current circumstances. I do not have the ability to, on a consistent regular basis, give her the attention she craves for or see to beyond her basic needs.

I'm beginning to see that there will always be issues between my sister and who ever becomes my live-in helper. I've not yet come to the stage of being able to do without a live-in helper, and I've yet to learn to manage the dynamics well.

I'm aware that I ought to have been able to deal with the issues in a calm manner. I do worry that my displays of anger is a bad influence on my son. Parents should be good role models. I've stopped shouting and am allowing more slack. I think though that it's ended up being bottled up inside me, which is very unhealthy and dangerous.

I need some "me" time, away from home, away from my son, so that I can breathe. I dont need a holiday from it all and that's just not possible anyway. I need "me" time on a consistent regular basis. It doesn't have to involve a lot of money or a lot of time - I think just having a cup of tea at the mamak is enough. I've hardly had time alone since this helper arrived in March.

There! I've had my say. I feel much better now. There are other issues simmering under the surface, which I cannot write about, and many other frustrations which I will have to deal with. To those reading this post, and who previously thought I'm coping well with everything that's going on, I'm not. Everyone needs help and support, even more so as parents of special needs kids.

Hopefully, my internet connection improves considerably (during normal waking hours!), as blogging seems to have a positive effect on me - both in terms of writing my blog and reading the blogs of others. It's now 4.30am and I'm off to a hopefully peaceful sleep.