Every so often I go through periods where I feel unease, not at peace. I am often unable to identify the root cause of the unease. It's hard for me to find the words to describe what I feel during those times ("unease" was the closest but doesnt begin to really describe it) let alone share those feelings with anyone else. Not with my husband, not my friends, not my family. So it swims around in my head, never quite going away, waiting for the next trigger point to swirl it with intensity, up to the surface.
Today those feelings surfaced yet again, triggered by my son falling ill again just shortly after his wheezing bronchitis episode in July. After a day of being drowned by those negative feelings, I finally manage to find peace. I realise that I had been worried, frustrated, punishing myself for "not being a good mother", over analysing my own actions & emotions. It doesnt help at all when others close to me add comments like "you took him out too often", which gets translated as "It's your fault that he's sick. You don't know how to take care of him."
I struggled to get out of the downward cycle. Negativity just feeds on itself and grows and grows. I learnt from past episodes of depression how to, in the first place acknowledge those feelings. Self awareness is the first step isn't it? I had attended a stress management talk (organised by a parent support group for parents with special needs kids), just a few months ago which enlightened me on my personality type, it's triggers of stress & tips on how to manage. So, I'm learning to put a stop to the downward vicious cycle.
A more experienced parent shared how he manages by asking himself what's the worst that can happen & then from there ask yourself "and then what?". That helped me today. I'm learning to let go & let God. Once I did that, I felt peace. And when that happened, I could start counting my blessings.
My personality type which I had identified the strongest with, is that of the "analytical owl". The description of the "analytical owl" matched me to the dot! I plan. I'm into details. I analyse. I look for facts before making a decision. I'm a do-er. It's bad if things dont go according to plan. I thrive on completing things I set out to do. I set high standards & expectations on myself. I also identified strongly with another personality type, the "openess swan". The biggest revelation that hit me then was that I'm in both of the personality types most at risk of ... dare I say it, suicide. No one wants to talk or listen about negativity or suicide. So I'll stop on that subject.
I usually talk of activities with my son, his progress, stuff related to early childhood development which I love. Tonight, I decided to take a different path on my posting. Why? Because I'm slowly coming to understand my own feelings & what it means to be a mum of a disabled child.
Also, it's because tonight, I came across this blog: http://scatteringbright.blogspot.com/2009/08/labyrinth.html
Although he was writing about anger over a specific matter, I could easily relate as it's about negative emotions. He & the lady who commented are much better at identifying & verbalising their emotions.
He wrote: "When it exhibits its darker tendencies, I think of anger as a kind of emotional gateway drug - it opens the door to more dangerous feelings if you overly indulge it." So well put.
She had said "Another thing that helped was that someone suggested I think of the image of floating -- the idea that so much pain comes when we are resisting and fighting something that simply "is."" Yup, I can relate! I've to learn to let go!
She also said "And I also gained a new perspective on how miraculous typical development is, how effortless, and how much I had taken for granted everything I had been given and never recognized. And how, when I really thought about it, I was humbled by my son,". This is so true! If my son was not with special needs (which led me on a steep learning curve about development of gross motor skills, fine motor, oral motor, feeding skills, behaviour, etc) it's unlikely I'd ever realise how remarkable & amazing the human body & mind is.
My son had his sleep interrupted at midnight tonight, with his coughing to clear the phlegm built up (& the eventual vomit). So after I had brought my son to the hospital for his nebuliser, I decided to stay up by blogging, to keep a closer watch over him (his fever started this evening). I must get some rest now. It's 5am & he has thankfully slept well after his nebuliser.
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