Slowing down

The past 6 weeks have seen both my son and I falling (mildly) ill... twice. That has forced me to slow down drastically.

He didn’t attend school for a few days. His physiotherapy was cut down and made easier when it resumed. He got to play with his cars, trains and trucks. We read for enjoyment, and not with the purpose of learning phonics. We lolled around on bed and he spoke whatever was on his mind.

I got to sleep more. I wasn’t in a state of anxiety, thinking of what I should be doing with him. I wasn’t going around keeping one eye on the time (for the most part anyway). I wasn’t stressed that he still wasn’t feeding himself, or that he still struggles with pulling up his pants, or that he still hates having his teeth brushed, or that he eats so little.

I had time to appreciate the gift of my son.

His personality is developing. He likes to tuck his teddy in. He likes to pretend to be the teacher. He has his favourite foods (steamed fish, roast duck, char siu, corn on the cob, pizza, pasta bake, tortilla wraps, pitta bread, sandwiches). He laughs when watching Mr Bean. Strangely, he likes maths shows (Numberjacks, Maths Mansion, Puzzle Maths, Numbers Count). He’s taken on the Malaysian way of talking with the “lah”, “ah” etc added on. He’ll tell me “I like you because you are nice to me.” He’ll hand teddy to me, asking me to take care of it, and when I pretended not to know how to, he showed me (he hugged it and kissed it). LOL

I had time to reflect.

I remember when he was just a few months old, I hung on to the words of hope offered by my best friend (who also has a son with special needs): It’ll get easier. Caring for him has indeed gotten a lot easier, slowly over time. It’s not easy, but it is getting easier. I’m no longer crippled with fear. He can be left alone in his room with toys for a short period of time, while I quickly fix a meal or have a shower. He sleeps through the night. He’s toilet trained. He can climb into his car seat by himself. He is able to eat mostly what we eat. I can go out with him alone – it’s so liberating – without needing my helper to tag along. He’s learning to dress himself. He’s learning to put on his shoes. He’s learning to drink without a straw from his tumbler. He seldom vomits. There is some semblance of family life.

I’m aware there’s less than 2 months to go before school closes for the year. I’m aware there’s about a year to go before he enters Year 1.

Right now though, time has slowed down. It’s not a project. He’s my son. And I love him to bits.