How am I?

I've been very silent on my blog for the past few weeks and not as regular at writing posts the past few months.

After my surgery, I had been very tired. What I had thought was a minor surgery, while not major, was not as minor as I had expected. I still have a slightly infected wound that's taking its time to heal.

So after resting lots in July, there was a backlog of errands to be done in Aug. I've tried to set my own boundaries (by listening to my own body and resting when I need to) so as not to fall sick but when it comes to helping my son progress, I cant seem to slow down much.

I have also been very nervous about my son starting at the new big boy school. I'm not worried about his academic side. I'm concerned about his self care skills. So from a few months ago, after getting through the assessment, my focus had been on improving his self care skills. While some aspects of that has seen improvement which I'm happy about, there are still others that need more practice.

More recently, I had felt rather unsupported and lost.

I wished that I didnt always have to be the one to drive him to music class or maths class or to the park for cycling. It's tiring to always be thinking about my son from thinking of cooking nutritious food that he likes, to whether he's had his vitamins for the day, to how to squeeze in yet another activity, to reprioritising his activities, to managing his time for a shower, for getting to swim class on time, for getting to bed on time, to finding the right pair of school shoes, to whether he's had his antihistamine and aerochamber (yes, he's sick again).... it's endless.

I wished that I too could go off on an overseas vacation all by myself and yet rest assured that all his needs and household matters are taken care of. Well, I can but dream.

One thing's for sure - I am slowly changing. I'm slowly learning to set my limits and take care of myself. I'm slowly learning to let go of things I can't change like my sister's disability. I'm slowly learning that there are consequences to reprimanding my helper in front of my son, and thus learning to deal with her at a later time.

I'm yet again learning to enjoy my son for who he is right now. He is growing up fast. He starts Year 1 in two weeks' time. He has achieved much. I love his smile. I love his determination. I love to "cradle" him in my arms now and tell him how tiny he was as a baby.

He loves me a lot, or in his own words (on different occasions): "I love you soo soo soo soo much, you know that? I love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. I love you in the morning and at night. I love you even when I'm angry with you (that's an echo of what I told him). I still love you like that (when he saw my fresh ugly scars with stitches and dried blood still on)." Those keep me going day after day.